A Cinematic Thalidomide Baby

Day three of the Exploitation September challenge...

TEENAGE NURSES (1974)
D. Doug Collins (Constantine Zuba)/ Shaun Costello
Video X Pix
16mm Full Frame

This is among the weirdest movies I have ever seen, not only in the XXX field but in any genre. Thankfully SHAUN COSTELLO forwarded me an article he had written that gave me some history into the making of this monstrosity which shines a lot of light on the mind set that created it. But make no mistake there are no other movies quite like TEENAGE NURSES, it is a genre unto itself. And truly rewarding viewing for those who like to travel to the out most edges of cinematic weirdness.

The completely wrong-headed plot deals with the Bethesda Veterans Hospital during the waning years of the Vietnam war and the logical concerns of the craptastic entertainment for the suffering maimed soldiers there. A suitably insane Dr. Stein has brought in a group of horny Nurses to satisfy the needs of said patients. But he is also not happy about the USO shows that have been put on in the past so he has brought in a number of, well, frankly insane vaudeville styled acts for the pleasure of the suffering.

So between the bouts of up close and personal fucking we get jugglers, unicyclists, a snake charmer dressed in vinyl, a singing woman comedian, a lounge singer/ tap dancer and a ventriloquist comedian with a black dummy.  All of this book ended with a crack reporter in Groucho Marx glasses (played by Costello himself) giving us the rundown on the story, and screwing up his lines.  If you pay close attention you can spot HARRY REAMS, FRED LINCOLN and JAMIE GILLIS in blink and you miss them supporting roles. 

"Shaun Costello Himself as Groucho Marx"

Ultimately a through line plot finally emerges in the last reel about a soldier who has lost his leg in battle who feels he will not ever be whole again and one of the nurses tends to his sexual needs irregardless of his amputee status. Once again this character is played by Costello himself and the nurse is played by Laura Cannon who was in Shaun Costello’s classic FORCED ENTRY.  This last act sex scene is what makes the whole movie worthwhile as it actually manages to be quite touching, tender even amidst all the insane and moral chaos around it. While the movie at large is clearly a farce, designed to at once frustrate, or even thumb its nose at the audience to a degree (or maybe it is just a product drugs of the time period) this final scenes becomes even more effective because of it. Of course once the poor soldier is released and hit by a car it sort of negates the beauty of the scene preceding it...

"If the Republicans only knew this was part of the new Health Care Bill..."

The history of this involves director Doug Collins putting this together as a XXX comedy with lofty ambitions to involve musical numbers and the vaudeville bits. Naturally it did not sell. Years later after some legal trouble the movie was sold to Shaun Costello who shot more sex footage, the wrap around stuff and added some other things to make it more coherent and commercially viable to the adult crowd and unleashed it to the rain coat crowds. It only recently resurfaced on this dvd. 

 "Costello as the Amputee Soldier and Laura Cannon as Nurse Scarlett who tends to his needs in 

a surprisingly effective and tender scene."

Shaun Costello calls it his cinematic Thalidomide Baby. That about fits the bill as it is as twisted a porn film as you could imagine. It really doesn’t function as a porn film should as the sex scenes are edited and interrupted by the comedy and vaudeville acts. But the comedy doesn’t quite succeed because it is interrupted by the sloppy sex and blow job  close ups. The whole thing has a weird laugh track even though it is about Vietnam Veterans being hospitalized during the war giving it a bit of the same kind of feel the incest scene during NATURAL BORN KILLERS had (but twenty years earlier). But, and this is important, the movie is NEVER boring. there is always something weird and wacky going on. And the climactic sex scene is shot with a lot of care, and even some distance which shows that they were thinking about it at least a little bit. With the acting in that scene really selling it as well.

TEENAGE NURSES (which was originally called AN AMERICAN IN BETHESDA) is a bizarre curiosity item well worth checking out. The Video X Pix dvd looks about what you would expect for this kind of fly by night grab a stray print and dump it to dvd deal. Maybe one day a more impressive dvd will surface. 

Review © Andy Copp

More best of 2009 from The Nick Williams

Continuing my top ten celebration of 2009 comes the wrath of THE NICK WILLIAMS, L'Enfant Terrible of the blog Celluloid Psychosis. When Nick isn't watching Jamie Gillis administer enemas to street hookers or Dolph Lungren stomp on Asian people, he can be found writing his own disturbing brand of fiction. Here is his list of movies for the year.

TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2009:


10. FANTASTIC MR. FOX – I’m not a huge Wes Anderson follower. BOTTLE ROCKET is his only film I’ve ever completely watched, along with pieces of others here and there. Nothing against him, I just haven’t been inspired enough to peruse his oeuvre. But this foray into stop-motion animation may fuel my motivation to do so, as I found it full of wit and dynamism. I was captivated by the adeptly directed visuals, which, like most stop-motion animation (and what I’ve always loved about it), were so rife with finely rendered, extremely organic texture. The story is a boisterous fairy tale with adventure and some light comedy that had me chuckling in spots. It also has some dark tinges around its edges with some slight violence and a clever pseudo-profanity, which seemed to anger parents seeking fluffy entertainment for their offspring but were shocked and appalled by something with substance.





9. BLACK DYNAMITE – Damn the studio for burying this kick-ass parody/homage of blaxploitation film. This deserved a lot more exposure than just a handful of cities, especially considering it was picked up for relatively cheap. Not only is it a hilarious spoof but also a wild action flick. It’s also a huge treat for anybody (like me) who is a fan of the grindhouse genre this is sending up. The filmmakers clearly have some affection for it, with ingeniously utilizing not only blaxploitation’s plot conventions, but it’s technical ones as well, such as shoddy editing and effects. There are also more Rudy Ray Moore references than you count on one hand. It’s a great love letter to exploitation filmmaking, way better than Tarantino’s DEATH PROOF anyway.

BLACK DYNAMITE INVESTMENT REEL


FINAL FILM TRAILER




8. WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE – Yet another film that sparked controversy amongst familial moviegoers – I think the problem parents have with movies like these is that they speak to their children rather than speak down to them. They obviously want entertainment that keeps kids docile are frustrated by anything that helps nurture a sense of intellect or identity (WALL-E was another one of these films, but got away with it by being veiled as a cutesy sci-fi flick). But I digress...while I can’t say the book is as deeply ingrained in my persona nor was I as enthralled by the movie as Andy, I do have fond memories of reading (or being read) the story as a youngin and found this adaptation to be a sincere, imaginative, heartwarming fantasy.





7. PONTYPOOL – A wholly unique and extremely intelligent take on the zombie flick that takes a springboard from Burroughs-esque themes such as the deconstruction of language and communication and the manipulation of information. Director Bruce McDonald – usually an arty filmmaker making his horror debut – puts a fresh spin on the genre by applying his sophisticated sensibilities. I was totally sucked in by the careful buildup of suspense and mystery by restraint from showing much of the horror on screen and lead Stephen McHattie’s charismatic performance.




6. LIFE IS HOT IN CRACKTOWN - Buddy Giovanazzo’s adaptation of his own short story collection is a grimy, squalid portrayal of impoverished urban life. He takes a surgical eye to a few distinct lowly characters and the paths they take, never flinching from their flaws or the misguided choices they make, but also never making any kind of moral judgment. As foul as the material is though, there’s also many moments where it has a sympathetic, even optimistic outlook about its protagonists predicaments, something which its detractors ignored and the book was short on.





5. MARTYRS – Utterly fierce and bleak, the latest in the rash of brutal French horror goes right for the throat from frame one and tightens its grip throughout the duration. But unlike most of its contemporaries it has more than just sheer cruelty and mindless torture going for it, with some thought-provoking philosophical subtext beating beneath its mutilated veneer, which I think makes it the best of this nationality’s genre output so far.






4. DISTRICT 9 – This is the kind of movie that more summer blockbusters should aspire to – a purely fun, bombastic actioner with a lot of spectacle to offer but also isn’t afraid to appeal to the audience’s brains.





3. ANTICHRIST – Beautiful, grisly, disturbing, strange, stirring, shocking, Lars von Trier’s “horror” drama is a surreal, immersing masterpiece. Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg’s performances transcend emotional boundaries. Even if you hate the film itself, you have to appreciate it for having such a bold and original vision.






2. WALTZ WITH BASHIR – This animated documentary recounting the Israeli filmmaker’s own experiences during Israel’s invasion of Lebanon during the 80’s is visually breathtaking and moving to the core, a film driven by an agenda not of politics but of a personal quest for redemption.






1. WATCHMEN – “It’s boring.” “It’s too long.” “It’s too weird.” “It’s confusing.” All these and similar comments were directed at Zack Snyder’s epic adaptation of the classic groundbreaking graphic novel. But people had also thought the same things about seminal films like 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, BLADE RUNNER, and even the big daddy of them all, CITIZEN KANE. Not to say this one is as great as those, nor might it ever share the same exalted status as them, it’s just something to think about. I personally though found every frame of WATCHMEN to be a wondrous, mystical, masterful work of art. I would say it by far has to be the greatest superhero movie ever.

WATCHMEN fan edited music video (possible spoilers)



TOP 5 WORST FILMS OF 2009:



5. MURDER COLLECTION VOLUME 1 – I have to say I hate doing this. Low-budget filmmaker Fred Vogel and his Toe Tag Pictures crew had created some truly noteworthy works of underground cinema with the AUGUST UNDERGROUND trilogy and REDSIN TOWER. But this compilation of faux snuff shorts is nothing but a simplified rehash and a complete devolution.





4. THE STEPFATHER – An overpolished, dull, vapid thriller of a remake, with about the only redeemable aspect being effortful performance, which is still weighed down by the effortless material.





3. DRAG ME TO HELL – How anybody can like this movie as much as virtually everybody does is beyond me. Just the typical irritating PG-13 bullshit that happens to have a recognizable name attached.





2. TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN – People loved the first movie and hated this one. I hated the first one and hate this one even more. But the ironic thing is everything that was wrong with this one was wrong the first, just more severe. So much mindless action that it becomes pure tedium.





1. FRIDAY THE 13TH – Lower than fecal matter. Filmmaking at its absolute nadir. That’s all I need to say .