Monday, July 13, 2009

Seriously, The worst porn movie ever made...

D. By some Italian dudes who have no business making smut
Goulash Entertainment(!)

The 90's were seriously the WORST decade for porn ever. The 70's were the tops with the porno chic, were people attempted real movies, had actual stars etc. The 80's got hit hard with The Meese Commission on pornography, and the intervention of the video market where porno basically stopped being "filmmaking" and started becoming a mass marketed commodity for people to peruse in their homes. Whatever story values, star system, etc the genre had was fast eroding by the 90's Add to that the addition of craptastic affordable videotape technology that everyone and their brother could get their hands on and the porn market went south in a hurry. Not that it was always great looking people doing wondrous things, but in the 90's even that became few and far between.

So when THE WITCHES TAIL got put in my hand my first reaction was, "oh boy, a porno from the 90's, this isn't gonna be good". My girlfriend's best friend's boyfriend had this laying around from a past relationship or some such confusing story or another (or something that sounds as good, that's my story and I'm sticking to it) so she passed if over to us. The cover had the typical 90's poofed hair broads in a lush green pasture, with a chick in a dime store Halloween Witch mask just like my friend would use in his backyard horror movies. The box promised an "all anal adventure" with lots of mysticism and sensuality. Somehow we knew better...

We got a kick out of the old 900 numbers with breathless narration about sucking cock and how they love to swallow cum, cut to video of girls who look like they not exactly enjoying said acts. But when the movie actually started we were shocked to discover that the flick was not in English. At all. This was an all Italian shot on video production that the American releasing company, one Goulash video, didn't bother to dub or subtitle! Now I would have been pissed if I had bought this as a consumer only to get it home to discover I had been duped into buying a movie with no English. The box was in English, the commercials before hand and the warnings were in English. Also the actual dub quality dropped a few generations as well with a huge tape crease through the picture. NOT on the actual tape, but apparently on the master tape, as it didn't appear on the 900 numbers commercials or Surgeon generals warnings, only when the actual movie started! This was bottom of the barrel stuff. At least the movie wasn't recorded in EP.

The movie starts with a huge boobed milkmaid making bread in a field (?) when a VERY middle aged man comes by on a horse. He dismounts the stead and starts mounting her nasty self. She had nice boobs but the rest of her was, well calling her skanky would be a compliment. She had one of my big porno pet peeves of several long painted fingernails and a bunch of broken/missing ones. I find this revolting to the point of wanting to puke, and simply do not understand it. You are going to act in a movie that requires you to look good. How freaking hard it is to go get that taken care of? And what porn movie director sucks so much he would allow his lead actress to look that nasty? Well a lot actually... But the dude is no better with his balding plate with a circumference of unwashed greasy hair and pony tail. It was fear of ending up with this exact hair style when I started losing my hair that made me start cutting all mine off. It is retarded looking and I seriously doubt any women (or gay dudes for that matter) find it hot, anywhere in the world. So they schtupp, it's unappealing and when you think it can't get worse her MOTHER comes out and joins them! Her boobs are alright too, but by god the rest of her is a horrific sight to see.

We were trying to be good and actually watch this sexual train wreck, but the fast forward got hit at this point. I could no longer deal with this undulating madness on screen. I stopped when a younger Blondie was bathing in a barrel in a yard somewhere. She whips out a full ear of corn and begins to rub her body with it. My girlfriend says "please god don't let her masturbate with the corn on the cob!" To which the woman on screen clearly is about to do. Then...CUT! There is an edit and the corn is gone and a super skinny girl, who looks like she just got done puking several weeks worth of lunches joins the lass in the barrel and they begin the most forced, unconvincing lesbian scene in cinema history. I'm pretty sure a mouth never touches a vagina. Then they head off into the old sandstone house to meet another sweaty guy who tries to hump and pump them both. I stress try because when ever it is his turn to climb onto the walking skeleton he instantly loses wood. Can't say I blame him, Wood was the furthest thing from my mind watching this travesty.

The fast forward came into play some more until we got to a couple of plump guys double teaming another gal on a dirt road at dusk. She had appeared to them as the Witch of the title but whipped off the mask to reveal the closest thing to an attractive woman in the film. She still had a belly of a woman who has had five kids and never recovered, but at this point one was grateful for small favors. Finally there was the promised anal adventure, as one of them plowed into her rectal highway. Both of the pudgemeisters cum and the movie is mercifully over.

We ended up having to dive into the ultra grimy world of the 70's storefront/grindhouse roughies just to cleanse our palettes after this mess. So lesson learned unless it is from Michael Ninn or Andrew Blake, porn from the 90's is to be avoided at all costs!!!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Leo Fong does Film Noir

D. Frank Harris
Crown International
Part of the MAXIMUM ACTION DVD set(Out Of Print)

Two years before the double team of Director Frank Harris and star/Producer extraordinaire Leo Fong would deliver their strong arm punch LOW BLOW on the world they delivered this nasty San Diego based Neo Noir. Basically the polar opposite to that tongue in cheek karate slug fest, this one is lean, mean, bloody as hell and filled with bullet ridden corpses to the max. Where as LOW BLOW focuses on Leo Fong beating the snot out of people, here the spotlight is on shootouts and CHINATOWN styled intrigue, on a fifty cent budget, with a side of ham and eggs.

The confusing story begins with the always reliable character actor Stack Pierce robbing a military armory with his group of thugs stealing a truck full of M-16's and killing everyone in their way. they immediately drive to the nearest Chinese restaurant and on command of their chief, a scenery chewing Cameron Mitchell (even more over the top than normal, and that is saying something!) kill EVERYONE in the place. Men, women, little kids, and every single bottle and dish sitting on a shelf. NOTHING is left standing. Enter Richard Rountree as a cop investigating the case who brings in his best man for the job, our hero, Leo Fong. But seems he is a bit unstable because his wife had been raped and killed recently and he has not totally recovered from the trauma. we get this from a training montage where he ALMOST cries while beating up various gym equipment. that Leo is an emotional guy who keeps it close to the chest. Leo gets his commands from a cop named Skimore, but they keep saying his name so fast you'll swear his name is Skidmark and another cop who we only see in close up sitting at a desk who mumbles and apparently has a mouthful of chaw and was only hired for a few hours to repeat other people's lines.

Meanwhile Stack Pierce kills pretty much anyone he meets. He has a grumpy ass disposition, especially if people are in big groups, preferring to rub out entire rooms full of people now that he has an arsenal at his disposal. Cameron Mitchell gets a tiny tiny little black poodle from a local madam who becomes his sidekick that he mumbles too for the rest of the movie, often ignoring other actors in the scene altogether in favor of talking to the dog. Leo Fong is surprisingly not in it that much, at least for the first half, as we watch the bad guys kill people and each other, crossing and double crossing, with plenty of people messily shot in the head for their trouble. Finally about midway through a bunch of Mexican kids try to jump Leo and he finally gets to kick some ass, and still ends up shooting one of them Dirty Harry style. Eventually Leo ends up trying to infiltrate Mitchell's camp to buy the guns and catch him in the act, but there is dissent among the villains with double crosses galore.

One highlight has Leo meeting a connection at a local hillbilly bar, were the two sit and drink without talking while an entire white trash country ballad plays out in its entirety and we watch seriously REAL scrawny trailer park skanks dance. The song is called "So yer cheating on yer Daddy" and is seemly about just what it sounds like. When the song is finally over there is two lines of dialogue and the scene is over! The scene was edited and built around stuffing that damn pro-hillbilly incest tune into the movie!

The movie climaxes with Mitchell having a voice over about getting revenge for the death of the poodle, though we never saw it die, a brutal throat slitting, some extended karate fights so Leo can show off, lots of nameless cops and bad guys shooting each other and falling off buildings, and a surprise turn of events in a the tail. From what I understand at some point during production the rest of financing never materialized so the script was totally thrown out the window and much of the movie was improvised daily. That schizophrenic nature of production shows on screen. But that remains a large part of it's charm as well.

I don't know when the Leo Fong team of players was initiated, but there are all present and accounted for here, with Stack Pierce, Cameron Mitchell, and Diana Leigh making an appearance as an ill fated hooker. He seems to have a solid repertory company that he uses and works well with. There is also about a dozen or so background players that are here and also in LOW BLOW as well.

All in all, not as over the top or goofy as LOW BLOW but still very entertaining and fun in it's own right. There is still lots of weird little asides to keep your attention here.

Andy Copp

and a great over the top Cameron Mitchell Killpoint Moment...