Wednesday, August 26, 2009

These toys are for grown ups!

D. Ronald victor Garcia
Something weird DVD

Bizarre one, even for the likes of Something Weird Video's output. What we have here is a soft-core sex romp from
East Germany, apparently shot both in Germany and in Los Angeles and completely post dubbed and unleashed by Harry Novak on unsuspecting drive-in viewers across the USA. Overflowing with sexual kinks and honest perversion, THE TOY BOX has several truly arousing moments and more dime-store surrealism than you can shake your dick at. Constantly twisting, turning, and folding in on itself, this is a movie of either weird brains, or total insanity. I'm going with the latter. But either way, it's irrelevant because it's pervasively entertaining.

Donna (Blond bombshell Ann Myers) tells us in voice over wh
ile driving in the rain that two years ago her hirsute boyfriend Ralph (the mustached Sean Kenny billed as Evan Steel) lured her into a life of sin and debauchery for show. See, she and Ralph put on little sex shows for someone they call Uncle for pay. Seems that every month, lots and lots of horny sex tourists get together and hold a contest on who can turn the most creative kink for the old man. We then get a flashback on how Ralph convinced her when he gave her a vibrator for her birthday and she popped her cherry with it on the front seat of his car when he went to the bathroom. Actually, he was watching to see if she was sexual enough to go the distance, and when she finds out she says to herself "you didn't make me do it, it was all ME!"

Once they arrive at Uncle's house, the rumor is that he's dead. They journey upstairs to find a blue corpse of the old man, but this doesn't sway anyone from continuing with the show as they all assume it is just more of his party tricks. While the swinging and orgy commences downstairs, various people come upstairs and put on their little acts of sexual superstardom. The most entrancing of these is not surprisingly Ushci Digart, who is molested by bedsheets that come alive and caress her mammoth mammories and massage her mound of female protrusion. Once she mounts the pile of quivering 100% cotton, all bets are off. Unfortunately, she's not in the movie enough. There is another really hot blond lass with medium chest pillows and glasses, but she sadly takes the glasses off before going down on her partner.

The audience soon finds out that some sort of alien force is making these people kill each other, with only Ralph and Donna realizing there are murderous shenanigans going on! That maybe Uncle is an Alien!

The whole thing is a set up for a series of soft core sex scenes, some of which are hot, most of which are kind of bland
, all depending on the performer. Oddly enough, the individual sex scenes are all well shot, as if the director became really interested during those particular days and put his all into them. The colored gels come out, the camera starts moving, the special lenses get used. Things just get more impressive all over. But don't let that fool you into thinking the rest of the movie is not entertaining. Quite the contrary: the inane narration, bizarre mise-en-scene and overall cheapness keeps this thing watchable at all times. This is a cheap jack winner!

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