Sunday, March 22, 2009
Surviving Edged Weapons
Surviving Edged Weapons (198?)
D. Dennis Anderson
Downloaded this off of Cinemageddon recently and what a great discovery it was.
This is a police training tape from Wisconsin on how to properly prepare and survive when criminals attack police officers with knives, machetes, swords and other bladed weapons. While there is some mondo footage of crime scene photos scattered throughout, the name of the game here is dramatic recreations. And boy are these AWESOME! It seems to me that someone on the police force really wanted to be an action filmmakers and just could give two shits about making a training tape as these things are just out of control, action packed over the top gore vignettes. This out of control hilarity starts with two cavemen fighting over some roasted rabbit. But one of them tricks the other one and pulls out a stone age knife and stabs the shit out of the other guy, thus showing that people have had the urge to cut the hell out of each other since the beginning of time. This 2001 epic opening sets the tone for this no budged nonsense. For the first maybe two thirds of the tape they at least have something to do with the material as the narrator will discuss a certain type of knife attack and we will see it go inevitably wrong and see the cop get slashed, gored, or run through complete with gushing and spraying blood and 70's styled freeze frames. A fantastic early scene has a detective go to a dues house and announce at the door that the cops are there an dhe needs to come out. Inside the guy is sitting alone, clearly disturbed. In the background by the door is a HUGE broadsword that would be at home in a CONAN movie. Before the cop can pipe up again the dude cracks the door and impales the detective on the sword, removes it and closes the door again. Awesome. As to be expected 90% of all the "criminals" on display are minorities I.E. African American's and Latin Americans just waiting to shank a cop at any given moment. And the couple of white guys are naturally hell's angels or drunken homeless. In fact the Hell's Angel has the most ingenious hidden knife I have seen in ages by having a concealed blade attached tot eh INSIDE of his gas cap on his motorcycle. If I ever hit my midlife crisis and get a bike, I'm sure as hell getting one of these for protection! By the last reel this thing has gone totally bonkers by having a shootout in a Latino drug bar that looks like they were trying to out do Walter Hill. Seriously the scene looks like an outtake of EXTREME PREJUDICE except without the skill, and has fuck all to do with surviving bladed weapons. They clearly just wanted to shoot a big gun fight with whores in tight dresses and squibs.
If all this wasn't enough you get tearful recantations of actual cops telling the terrifying stories of the various knife attacks they encountered on the job, including the one officers who got stabbed multiple times and punctures a lung, the female cop who got both of her arms cut so bad she almost lost both of them and the main cop who almost got his face literally carved off. you'll be asking yourself the whole time, where the fuck were their partners when they were getting craved up? The main badass got has the best lines when he says things like "I'm not gonna die in some god damned ghetto!"
Plus most of the criminals in the re-enactments have Canadian accents!
This one is a winner folks!
someone on You tube beat me to the punch and made a pretty sweet music video of the best scenes. Check it out. Before the fuckers at you tube have it removed for having copyrighted music...