Seriously, The worst porn movie ever made...

THE WITCHES TAIL (199?)
D. By some Italian dudes who have no business making smut
Goulash Entertainment(!)
S.O.V.

The 90's were seriously the WORST decade for porn ever. The 70's were the tops with the porno chic, were people attempted real movies, had actual stars etc. The 80's got hit hard with The Meese Commission on pornography, and the intervention of the video market where porno basically stopped being "filmmaking" and started becoming a mass marketed commodity for people to peruse in their homes. Whatever story values, star system, etc the genre had was fast eroding by the 90's Add to that the addition of craptastic affordable videotape technology that everyone and their brother could get their hands on and the porn market went south in a hurry. Not that it was always great looking people doing wondrous things, but in the 90's even that became few and far between.

So when THE WITCHES TAIL got put in my hand my first reaction was, "oh boy, a porno from the 90's, this isn't gonna be good". My girlfriend's best friend's boyfriend had this laying around from a past relationship or some such confusing story or another (or something that sounds as good, that's my story and I'm sticking to it) so she passed if over to us. The cover had the typical 90's poofed hair broads in a lush green pasture, with a chick in a dime store Halloween Witch mask just like my friend would use in his backyard horror movies. The box promised an "all anal adventure" with lots of mysticism and sensuality. Somehow we knew better...

We got a kick out of the old 900 numbers with breathless narration about sucking cock and how they love to swallow cum, cut to video of girls who look like they not exactly enjoying said acts. But when the movie actually started we were shocked to discover that the flick was not in English. At all. This was an all Italian shot on video production that the American releasing company, one Goulash video, didn't bother to dub or subtitle! Now I would have been pissed if I had bought this as a consumer only to get it home to discover I had been duped into buying a movie with no English. The box was in English, the commercials before hand and the warnings were in English. Also the actual dub quality dropped a few generations as well with a huge tape crease through the picture. NOT on the actual tape, but apparently on the master tape, as it didn't appear on the 900 numbers commercials or Surgeon generals warnings, only when the actual movie started! This was bottom of the barrel stuff. At least the movie wasn't recorded in EP.

The movie starts with a huge boobed milkmaid making bread in a field (?) when a VERY middle aged man comes by on a horse. He dismounts the stead and starts mounting her nasty self. She had nice boobs but the rest of her was, well calling her skanky would be a compliment. She had one of my big porno pet peeves of several long painted fingernails and a bunch of broken/missing ones. I find this revolting to the point of wanting to puke, and simply do not understand it. You are going to act in a movie that requires you to look good. How freaking hard it is to go get that taken care of? And what porn movie director sucks so much he would allow his lead actress to look that nasty? Well a lot actually... But the dude is no better with his balding plate with a circumference of unwashed greasy hair and pony tail. It was fear of ending up with this exact hair style when I started losing my hair that made me start cutting all mine off. It is retarded looking and I seriously doubt any women (or gay dudes for that matter) find it hot, anywhere in the world. So they schtupp, it's unappealing and when you think it can't get worse her MOTHER comes out and joins them! Her boobs are alright too, but by god the rest of her is a horrific sight to see.

We were trying to be good and actually watch this sexual train wreck, but the fast forward got hit at this point. I could no longer deal with this undulating madness on screen. I stopped when a younger Blondie was bathing in a barrel in a yard somewhere. She whips out a full ear of corn and begins to rub her body with it. My girlfriend says "please god don't let her masturbate with the corn on the cob!" To which the woman on screen clearly is about to do. Then...CUT! There is an edit and the corn is gone and a super skinny girl, who looks like she just got done puking several weeks worth of lunches joins the lass in the barrel and they begin the most forced, unconvincing lesbian scene in cinema history. I'm pretty sure a mouth never touches a vagina. Then they head off into the old sandstone house to meet another sweaty guy who tries to hump and pump them both. I stress try because when ever it is his turn to climb onto the walking skeleton he instantly loses wood. Can't say I blame him, Wood was the furthest thing from my mind watching this travesty.

The fast forward came into play some more until we got to a couple of plump guys double teaming another gal on a dirt road at dusk. She had appeared to them as the Witch of the title but whipped off the mask to reveal the closest thing to an attractive woman in the film. She still had a belly of a woman who has had five kids and never recovered, but at this point one was grateful for small favors. Finally there was the promised anal adventure, as one of them plowed into her rectal highway. Both of the pudgemeisters cum and the movie is mercifully over.

We ended up having to dive into the ultra grimy world of the 70's storefront/grindhouse roughies just to cleanse our palettes after this mess. So lesson learned unless it is from Michael Ninn or Andrew Blake, porn from the 90's is to be avoided at all costs!!!