You are going the WRONG WAY!!!

 Day nine of the September Exploitation Challenge takes me way down the wrong path!!!

WRONG WAY (1972)
D. Ray Williams
Not on DVD
16mm Full Frame

This no budget, 70’s LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT rip off is some sort of wonder to behold. Disgusting beyond belief, if only for the truly nasty people on display and the complete lack of moral compass on the part of the filmmakers. The movie seems to exist in a climate where the filmmakers saw Wes Craven’s film and thought to themselves “Hell we can do that, but who the hell needs all that moralizing crap! Let’s just add more sex and crotch shots!” Then they realized they only had fifty bucks to make the whole movie with.

The movie begins with a group of the perhaps scuzziest criminals in Grindhouse history laying around in the woods waiting on a drug buy. They complain incessantly about how it has been days since they have had any pills or grass. One thug who we learn is named “Crabs” (because he is scratching his nuts all the time and apparently has the nasty crotch critters) is particularly upset. He complains to another cohort that he got those crabs from letting his buddy “suck him off!’ 

"Only reason I got crabs is cause I let you SUCK ME OFF!" 

Meanwhile two pretty girls get caught going the WRONG WAY (!!!) and their car breaks down and two of the thugs trick them into getting into their jeep and heading back to the camp where these dirt balls are waiting. The bikers making the drug delivery. One of them sucks down raw eggs so his “love torpedoes can have full blast”. The main thug is thrilled to finally gets to roll a joint and has a hilarious hallucination once he smokes up consisting of a naked woman in a military beret and dreams of a winning hand of cards! All the dudes are happy to get their hands on the nubile young girls for a day of sexing on the dirt roads. 

 "On no! The car is broke down! We better get into some more comfortable walking clothes!"

But when the bikers discover the girls are there against their free will, they actually take a stand - “We thought those where your old ladies. We are in for any kidnapping and rape charges. You gotta let them go.” But out comes a shotgun and the bikers get on their motorcycles and ride off like little kids who just got scolded for playing on some-one's lawn.

"This is the kind of Hallucinations you see when you smoke really primo pot, according to this film." 

Then proceeds the twelve minute long rape scene. A scene that would be offensive if it was actually done well. Instead it is handled so poorly you can’t help but notice nasty details like the fact the guy playing Crabs hasn’t wiped his ass since he was seven years old and his entire butt is now stained bright green. Seriously, we are talking Green Giant ass here. Or that the hippie red head seams more interested in running around and touching the asses of his buddies than doing anything to the girls.  even worse is the tenth rate Bob Dylan tune that plays not once but twice over the scene trying hopelessly to ape the David Hess folk rock from LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. What IS effective however is the poor girls reactions to being ground on by these nasty, grungy post hippy thugs who really do look like they just got out of prison.  The takes go on forever and these actresses have to endure the constant grinding of each of this dirtbags from every angle and position. The whole thing is very disgusting and dirty. When they are done with the gang rape they just leave the girls on the road and take off, never to be seen again!

 "It is really horrible enough to get gang raped by these greaseball thugs. But to have one have them has a green stained ass just makes it the worst experience ever."

Meanwhile one of the girl’s father has called the police and a search party has started. Even a helicopter is looking for them. I suspect that is the case because A) someone the filmmakers knew had a chopper or B) they had stock footage of a chopper they could use (I suspect B is the case). But the cops are making very little ground. 


The girls go looking for help, stopping at a stream to was their ravaged vagina's. Naturally this calls for loving close ups. They hear people and investigate hoping to find help but instead find ANOTHER group of hippy criminals! This is where the movie takes a sharp turn away from being a LAST HOUSE rip off and into it’s own weird little territory. Seems these Hippies are some sort of Manson-esque cult and they have just killed a man. The girls has stumbled on his burial (including a two year old helping dig the grave, a nice touch!) and now this cult is pissed at them too. The cult leader decides they must join the cult and become their sex slaves and have their “will and egos broken”!

 "Hey you, over there! Why is your ass all green?"

Then the movie gets REALLY weird! Suddenly we meet two older men and a really cute dark haired girl they take into a shack out in the border town this is all happening in. they explain to her they are going to take her to Mexico and sell her for Heroin. Who the fuck are these people? They try to rape her, but since she is now a junkie she relents and loves it?!?!?! The chopper sees this and suddenly the plot is now about these guys!

 "Who the fuck are THESE GUYS?"

*SPOILERS*
The cops get a call on the radio in which we are told the police found the two girls. We get two or three brief shots of a shoot out in which one of the cult members is shot in the balls and we see them trying to rape the girls yet again. All in all the shots last about twenty seconds. The rest is recounted in voice over. The girls were found and are back home! Now the movie shifts gears to this secondary plot about the kidnappers and heroin dealers!


It is almost like some weird shit happened and that portion of the cast said FUCK YOU and refused to finish the movie. Considering the on screen treatment of the girls in the early rape scenes, and that it looked like they were going to have to do a bunch more, I am willing to bet that is EXACTLY what happened. That they just had enough and so the movie had to be rewritten hastily with what was there. It all ends with a cops confronting the heroin dealers/ kidnappers confrontation. 

 "You've defiled us, made us see the green ass guy and join a cult. We've had enough. We QUIT this Goddamn movie!"

This is one of the sleaziest and weirdest Grindhouse exploitation movies I have seen in many a moon. Directed in long takes like storefront porn, shot almost entirely outside in the woods, and cast with people who do not look like actors but seem to really be the parts they are on screen. This is nasty ass, low brown cinema at its most ghetto. I cannot imagine the audience this was meant for or where it even played. But I would have loved to have been there to see them. But something tells me they would have been so stones they would have barely noticed the movie at all. 

Review © Andy Copp

Vegas Babes Put Foot To Ass

Hell Squad (1987?)
D. Kenneth Hartford
MGM Home Video
Full Screen

When the USA is working on a new and improved version of the Neutron bomb the Middle Eastern terrorist organizations take notice. One of the American diplomats in charge of the program has a son who is morally opposed to the creation of the bomb and is pretty vocal about it. Naturally this gets him into a fight with his pops and when he angrily storms outside unguarded he is kidnapped by some wiley unnamed Arabs. Since any kind of action on the part of the United States would be considered political suicide or an act of war the diplomat puts any kind of solution into the hands of his ASSistant, who comes up with possibly the most cockamamy scheme ever. You think Iron Eagle was goofy? Check this out!

This gooftard decides to round up a troupe of spunky Las Vegas showgirls (I.E. strippers) and put them through a several week crash course of assassination training to make them super soldiers. Then send them into the Middle East (looking a lot like the outskirts of L.A.) to grab his boss’s son. And the big boss dude goes for this bullshit! They’re out of options, so they have nothing to lose!

So we get a sweet, sweat filled montage of these young ladies in tight shorts and white tank tops firing guns, running through tires and climbing walls. A drill sergeant puts them through their paces and whips them into shape and in no time they are ready to go into battle! Lots of lycra covered boobs bounce their way through basic training.

When they get there they check into the hotel and find a bathtub that is big enough to fit all nine of them, so they immediately climb in together for a hot bath, until they get their call for instructions. Then they go blow up some terrorists encampments but no son to speak of. So it's back to the bathtub. Rinse lather and repeat. Meanwhile the son is in some dark hole chained up next to a dead guy. The terrorists come in and tell him that because of the Geneva Convention they have to give him food and water and then proceed to dump the water on him and throw the food on the floor. Those EVIL bastards! Always breaking the Geneva convention! Does that sound like anyone we know?

Eventually these girls figure out they are being lead around by their tampon strings and get on the stick to finding the homeboy and blow some more shit up that looks a lot like stock footage, before heading back home to crack the case wide open. There is one fairly good stunt sequence of all of them running to get into an actual moving airplane.

The IMDB says this was made in 1987, but I just can’t believe that. I’d be shocked it it was made anywhere after 1978. It just has that feel of the late 70’s no budget potboilers like Policewoman, or Superchick that Crown International put out. 1987 is about a decade too late for that craze. By then the movies coming out to VHS were a LOT slicker than this movie is, or way more low budget (shot on tape). This is pretty low budget but still has some props, costumes, planes, jeeps, guns, and girls to take off their tops. The sight of these girls with fetish army costumes, high boots and machines guns is something to behold. As is the opening scene at which the neutron bomb has been tested and flunkies in banana suits are clearing up the charred remains of the animals they used in the blasts. They are picking up pieces of ropes or collars and saying ” Dude this used to be a dog!” “Oh man this one was a whole elephant. And now its just…gone!” I mean, that’s what a neutron bomb is supposed to do, but it doesn’t make the dialogue any less fucking goofy.

Lastly, I am amazed Quentin Tarantino hasn't leapt onto one of his coke fueled bandwagons and put the hot tracks onto remaking this thing. It's the perfect film for him to do it with. It has action, violence, politics, beautiful woman who can become empowered as the story goes by. This film is pretty much bloodless and only has a little bit of boobs. But you could remake it, go for broke and make it dead serious, hard R rated material. If he doesn’t want to do it, then fucking call me and to produce and I will direct it! I KNOW I can make a kick ass movie out of it!

Oh yeah I forgot to mention the guy who gets his face eaten off by a tiger. That was pretty cool.