Babe Overboard!!! KILLER YACHT PARTY sinks like the titanic!!!

KILLER YACHT PARTY (2010)
D. Piotr Uzarowicz
TROMA
1.78 non-anamorphic

From the name of the director of this flick you would assume you are getting some foreign slasher action. But the first ten minutes are some L.A. hipster insider look at the club scene. Sort of a how to get into a sleaze club and how it works from the inside. That should be the first sign you have been had. Two fresh on the streets of L.A chicks hit the scene trying to party, one "hot" blonde named Lacee and her "plain" friend named appropriately enough Jane. We see how to pay off the door man, how to let the owner of the club grope you for drinks, how the hot guys deal drugs and how it just doesn't fuckin pay to be plain cause in L.A. that means you are a "dog" and you wont get in free anywhere. Somehow the babe still get invited the Yacht party the next day where some dude who looks like a reject from the TWILIGHT Movies is hanging around the sideline obviously waiting to do something nefarious. Not to mention the really pissed off Gen-X drug dealers that were thrown out of the club who are gonna have to get some action of their own. Could be a KILLER YACHT PARTY. OH SHIT!!!

So the whole interchangeable cast end up out on the water on the yacht we later find out is supposedly haunted by the ghost of its owner that was killed in some insurance scam.  We get an interminable amount of walking down hallways, partying down, and conversations to convince us that Jane is oh so plain and not compatible because she does things like read books and doesn't want to be int he spotlight. A weird thing is that the movie is chocked full of L.A. styled bimbos but none of them take their clothes off or do their duty to fill the movie with skin and sin. The movie takes itself way too seriously, never committing to being the exploitation movie that it really is. The one very brief nude scene has the gal sitting on the toilet for crying out loud. Well maybe some Troma fans are into that type of thing...

"Oh bitch you is so damn Plain! Your name is probably Jane! see this movie is clever like that!"

It is 47 minutes before the first death scene happens and nothing is shown. At least the first dude to die isn't the only black guy in the cast, that is one of the ONLY clichés the movie doesn't hit. Supposedly this is a slasher movie, or a supernatural thriller, but it spends far more time with characters walking around, or moping about because they are having a shitty night, than it does attempting to thrill in anyway.  The movie falls into a very rote pattern of terrible kill scene, then back to the disco party, then more characters walking around looking for a place to fuck, then kill scene, disco, walking around. Repeat. The editing on the kill scenes is so terrible, the dancing so bad and the walking so boring that NONE of it matters at all.
A movie like this needs something special to set it apart. An interesting premise, a memorable killer, or at least a sense of viciousness that makes horror fans want to seek it out. KILLER YACHT PARTY has none of these things. It does however offer a reasonably well mounted production where the cinematography is nicely done, with beautiful lighting all the way around for the entire film. I can at least say that much about it. It is professionally mounted and would look good on, say, cable television. But in the areas where this kind of thing needs to count, the movie falls down more than a toddler learning to walk for the first time. In fact it is a struggle to get through.

One last thought. The final reveal on who the killer is would actually be kind of offensive if the movie around it was better made, but here it is not a surprise at all and just lame.

Review © Andrew Copp



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Vegas Babes Put Foot To Ass

Hell Squad (1987?)
D. Kenneth Hartford
MGM Home Video
Full Screen

When the USA is working on a new and improved version of the Neutron bomb the Middle Eastern terrorist organizations take notice. One of the American diplomats in charge of the program has a son who is morally opposed to the creation of the bomb and is pretty vocal about it. Naturally this gets him into a fight with his pops and when he angrily storms outside unguarded he is kidnapped by some wiley unnamed Arabs. Since any kind of action on the part of the United States would be considered political suicide or an act of war the diplomat puts any kind of solution into the hands of his ASSistant, who comes up with possibly the most cockamamy scheme ever. You think Iron Eagle was goofy? Check this out!

This gooftard decides to round up a troupe of spunky Las Vegas showgirls (I.E. strippers) and put them through a several week crash course of assassination training to make them super soldiers. Then send them into the Middle East (looking a lot like the outskirts of L.A.) to grab his boss’s son. And the big boss dude goes for this bullshit! They’re out of options, so they have nothing to lose!

So we get a sweet, sweat filled montage of these young ladies in tight shorts and white tank tops firing guns, running through tires and climbing walls. A drill sergeant puts them through their paces and whips them into shape and in no time they are ready to go into battle! Lots of lycra covered boobs bounce their way through basic training.

When they get there they check into the hotel and find a bathtub that is big enough to fit all nine of them, so they immediately climb in together for a hot bath, until they get their call for instructions. Then they go blow up some terrorists encampments but no son to speak of. So it's back to the bathtub. Rinse lather and repeat. Meanwhile the son is in some dark hole chained up next to a dead guy. The terrorists come in and tell him that because of the Geneva Convention they have to give him food and water and then proceed to dump the water on him and throw the food on the floor. Those EVIL bastards! Always breaking the Geneva convention! Does that sound like anyone we know?

Eventually these girls figure out they are being lead around by their tampon strings and get on the stick to finding the homeboy and blow some more shit up that looks a lot like stock footage, before heading back home to crack the case wide open. There is one fairly good stunt sequence of all of them running to get into an actual moving airplane.

The IMDB says this was made in 1987, but I just can’t believe that. I’d be shocked it it was made anywhere after 1978. It just has that feel of the late 70’s no budget potboilers like Policewoman, or Superchick that Crown International put out. 1987 is about a decade too late for that craze. By then the movies coming out to VHS were a LOT slicker than this movie is, or way more low budget (shot on tape). This is pretty low budget but still has some props, costumes, planes, jeeps, guns, and girls to take off their tops. The sight of these girls with fetish army costumes, high boots and machines guns is something to behold. As is the opening scene at which the neutron bomb has been tested and flunkies in banana suits are clearing up the charred remains of the animals they used in the blasts. They are picking up pieces of ropes or collars and saying ” Dude this used to be a dog!” “Oh man this one was a whole elephant. And now its just…gone!” I mean, that’s what a neutron bomb is supposed to do, but it doesn’t make the dialogue any less fucking goofy.

Lastly, I am amazed Quentin Tarantino hasn't leapt onto one of his coke fueled bandwagons and put the hot tracks onto remaking this thing. It's the perfect film for him to do it with. It has action, violence, politics, beautiful woman who can become empowered as the story goes by. This film is pretty much bloodless and only has a little bit of boobs. But you could remake it, go for broke and make it dead serious, hard R rated material. If he doesn’t want to do it, then fucking call me and to produce and I will direct it! I KNOW I can make a kick ass movie out of it!

Oh yeah I forgot to mention the guy who gets his face eaten off by a tiger. That was pretty cool.