HALLOWEEN HORROR CHALLENGE movie #3 ZOMBIE BABIES

ZOMBIE BABIES (2012)
D. EMMON HARDIMAN

ALTERNATIVE CINEMA

Shot On Video

I really try to not do bad reviews just for the sake of writing shitty reviews. I also tend to shy away from filmmakers working on the same budget level I have just because I don't want to be a dick to people. But sometimes shit just happens and you end up watching something like ZOMBIE BABIES.

This ultra low budget flick is about a couple of redneck idiots who decide to open a makeshift abortion clinic/slash vacation getaway. A group of inane dudes all with very pregnant girlfriends arrive and most of them get on screen coat hanger abortions. But the problem is the rednecks also have a moonshine still in the basement filled with radioactive slop that brings the fetuses back to life.

Never mind the fact this movie was already made as THE SUCKLING in the late 80's or a big plot device is lifted wholesale from REDNECK ZOMBIES. This movie fails on almost all the levels it sets out to attempt. I'm not even gonna rag on the out of focus photography, inconsistent sound and special effects where you can see the puppeteers as much as the rest of the cast. I'd let all that shit go if it was actually funny or scary or just irreverent enough to recommend. But it is none of those things. The dialogue, being performed largely by non actors, is endless and painful. The humor consists of many variants of shit being expelled onto people, and lots of sex humor that just ultimately degrades the actors and finally the audience for watching it.

I am struggling to find something positive to say, so Ruby Larocca is good as usual as is Kaylee Williams who really should choose her projects a little more in line with her talent. Shawn C. Phillips is once again on hand playing a big fat guy; sweating, exposing himself and just basically being degraded. The dude is a funny guy, I just wish he would stop letting directors make fun of him on screen.

There is a very weird pre-natal sexual vibe, running through the movie with one Zombie Baby getting his asshole licked until he shits on the dude doing it, and Ruby almost swallowing a severed baby dick that comes all over her face when she pulls it out of her mouth. The scenes are clearly aiming to be shocking, but just come off as unpleasant and a more than a bit unsavory.

Just when you think the movie is feeling like it has been on for hours and hours, they clearly run out of money when one scene cuts to comic book art to fill in the action and it mercifully ends on what should be a shock ending, but happens so fast it is meaningless.

To say I can't recommend this is an understatement.

Review © Andy Copp

Repo Chick returns to the well for Alex Cox

REPO CHICK (2009)
D. Alex Cox
Industrial Ent.
1.85 (Shot HD)

Director Alex Cox returns to the well that got him cult fame by attempting a pseudo-sequel to his first hit REPO MAN. But this movie is markedly different in every way. Where as REPO MAN had a dark comic punk edge, REPO CHICK has a candy colored, post modern, almost kids movie approach to the material. All the sets and props are made from kids toys or cartoons, and put in via green screen, the colors scheme is day glow and pastels and the comedy is broad and over the top. In many ways this is the mirror image of REPO MAN and not just in the gender switch of the lead role.

The movie opens with an explanation of how the biggest growth industry in the United States and maybe the world is debt collection due to the world being own be banks and lenders. Actual companies like GMAC are name checked as having lulled the working poor into loans they cannot pay back, where as the Repossession industry has bloomed. There is also an explanation about several crawler missiles that have gone missing and probably hidden in some lost trains or cars somewhere in the USA. But don’t worry this wont really play into the plot all that much, unlike the original film.  Then we meet our lead Pixxi De La Chasse (Jaclyn Jonet) a rich bitch socialite clearly based on  Paris Hilton who has been disowned by her family unless she can get a job. When her car is repossessed she ends up working for the company that takes it and becomes an overnight success as a repo man because she is ruthless at taking things from other people. 

Much more so than her soft-hearted bosses who have a tendency to bend the rules a little here and there. She becomes obsessed with finding a legendary lost train (that we as the audience know contains those missiles mentioned before) because the reward is a million dollars. Meanwhile a terrorist cell has vowed to eliminate Golf and plans to hijack the train. Naturally Pixxi will end up in the way, and the only possible savior of the country and leisure sports.

The movie is experimental in approach with all the actors giving stylized performances as if they are in an animated film. As mentioned before all of this takes place in front of a green screen which is less than effective in most cases. More often then not you are fully aware of the artifice of it all, (which seems to be the point most of the time) but it takes you out of the movie. 

The animation, use of models and outright toys for action and props is cute and endearing for a while, but once the movie gets to about the halfway point that wears off. I found myself wanting the movie to get to some sort of point. Instead a bunch of characters end up on the train as the film drags to a crawl. Characters come and go but not much of consequence happens, even if some of the political satire seems valid.

While sometimes amusing, occasionally cynical and funny, the movie never settle sin to have enough bite to sink in and be worthwhile. Maybe worth a rental of a curiosity look but not the cult classic the original is by a long shot.

Review © Andy Copp

2009 lists come to an end

More end the line insanity from 2009 from my pal Matt Brassfield who is the manager of Game Swap in Kettering and also runs Independent B-Movie, and is the director of the infamous WEREWOLF OF OHIO. I wonder if he was overworked or dipping into the crack bowl on some of these picks, but I am not one to judge!

10 0f 2009







1.) X-Men Origins Wolverine – Now I know what your saying most the people that have been on this website have trashed this film, but I for one was highly entertained by its popcorn action. Hugh Jackman did a great job once again as Wolverine and while not as bloody as it should be it made for a solid PG-13 film.





2.) Watchmen – “Who’s watching the Watchmen?” well me and many others a smart comic book film that is packed with great acting and a great script. Love the fact it’s more of a film noir drama then a beat em up super hero flick. Very smart film.




3.) Star Trek – A good reboot to the Star Trek series, great cast who all seem to get there roles as well as a solid script. If your looking for a good big budget sci-fi flick then this is for you. Plus with Leonard Nimoy as Spock again this is a good film for all Trekkies.




4.) Terminator Salvation – This one blows part three out of the water and is high action sci-fi popcorn flick. The plot while not 100% solid does have a charm to it that tries to tie in all the other sequels. Lots of action and a tad drama make this a good summer movie. Plus the Arnold clone makes it kick ass.




5.) Trick r’ Treat – What a great horror flick that has heart and truly brings back the anthology to the horror genre that was long over do. The acting is amazing with Anna Paquin looking stunning at little red riding hood. If you haven’t seen this fun film then you should go out and pick it up.





6.) Saw 6 – A Horror film with a message about out Health care! It’s not every day you get a smart horror film that’s packed with gruesome deaths and enough blood to make a slaughterhouse look clean. Jigsaw’s game continues and I had a lot of fun viewing this one.





7.) Last House on The Left – A remake that works! While it was not a masterful film it was a nice sick twisted film filled with murder, rape and revenge. The acting was good for a Hollywood Grindhouse film and the pace of the film seemed to chug along at a good pace. Plus like this twist ending a lot!




8.) Hulk vs. – The Green Skin monster is back in this animated film that has him fighting with Thor and Wolverine in two short films. While the Wolverine one was just all right it was packed with other characters like Deadpool, Lady Deathstrike, Sabertooth and Omega Red. The vs. Thor is the better of the two and has an epic feel when the green skin goliath tangles with the god of thunder.






9.) The Hills Run Red – A nice under the radar film that is about a young man looking for a lost horror film that was said to be the most shocking over the top flicks ever made. What he finds it a one way ticket to the film that never ends, The Hills do indeed run red! Nice twisted film with a cool killer and some great gore.





10.) Inglorious Bastards – Not a fan of Tarantino’s work for the most part he’s pretty hit or miss with me but this Word War II spaghetti western was just the right mix of witty dialogue, over the top action and drama to make it one fun watch. Brad Pitt is a little silly in this one and at times his acting is down right bad, but looking at the film I think it’s meant to be that way.





11.) Sick Girl – This was a film that my pal Jerry from Synapse talked me into getting and I really liked it! It’s about a young girl who is mentally unstable and who gets her rage out by killing and torturing people in her barn. It’s a cool independent film that has heart and a solid script. If you like sick films with twisted plots then check this one out.





Films I seen in 09

Drag Me To Hell, Superman Batman Public Enemies, Tyson, Street Fighter The Legend of Chun-Li, I Love You Man, Quiet Nights of Blood And Pain, Victor Juliet’s Director Cut, Martyrs, Bride Wars, Paul Blart Mall Cop, The Unborn,
MaskHead, Underworld Rise of The Lycans, Haunting in Connecticut, Clive Barker’s Book of Blood, GI Joe The Rise of Cobra, Taintlight, Green Lantern First Flight, Jennifer’s Body, Paranormal Activity, Bruno, Jeff Hardy.. My Life My Rules, Macho Madness The Randy Savage Collection, Hulk Hogan Unleashed,
Jeff Jarrett King Of The Mountain, Matt and Bruce’s First Time


WORST


1.) Friday The 13th – A heartless piece of trash that once again Michael Bay and his team of hacks pooped out for the teen audience. It’s so lame that at times it seems as if they just did another remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and added Jason in for Leatherface! Wasted $10.75 in the theatre to see this crap.





2.) Halloween II – What was Rob Zombie thinking when he wrote this terrible film that ruined the franchise. Terrible script, some bad acting and his wife with a white horse is some of the reasons this film blew. Sad indeed for my favorite horror franchise to be treated like this. The only plus side is that it has my girl Danielle Harris in it, who I have been a fan of for a long time.





3.) Dragonball Evolution – What a bad movie with bottom of the barrel effects and a piss poor story line and no real direction. This is a Golden Turkey film that should be on MSTK 3000 if they decide to re-launch.





4.) Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen – A plot that is so half assed it has more holes then a chunk of Swiss Cheese. This is the prime reason people need to stop seeing Bay’s “epic” effect films that are just terrible. A soulless film with no heart, and the key reason why Platinum Dunes needs to stop screwing up 80’s cartoons.




5.) Wrong Turn 3 – Terrible! I was a fan of both part one and two, but this one seems to have had a budget they wasted cause half way through the effects look like a backyard film that a highschool student made. It had an all right story just not well put together at all, very disappointed in this one!








6.) Feast III – What the fuck was this films ending about? It’s as if the filmmakers think they made some sly joke but really all it did was piss of fans who have followed this series. It was fun and wild up till the giant fucking robot. Very lame guys next time do better!

What's better than sex? Not this movie!!!

HEADER (2006)
D. Archibald Francrastin (aka Michael Kennedy)
Synapse Ent. DVD
1.66 DV


Based on Edward Lee's short story, and then in turn graphic novel of the same name, this striving-to-be-gore classic fails on nearly every conceivable level. Though throughout the running time of the film my buddy, Nick Williams, continued to tell me, as though it was a comfort, that the movie was truly faithful to the source material, all this did was reinforce that I no desire to read any of Edward Lee's material.

The story as it were deals with a fresh out of prison hillbilly named Travis Tuckton, who comes home to his elderly and disabled grandfather. His clearly insane "Paw" regales him with stories of how all the townsfolk did Travis' Pappy wrong over the years, causing him and his "Maw" to die in a car crash. Pappy also tells him with stories of "headers" the greatest sexual experience known to man, and how, since he is now legless and old, he cannot do them anymore, he'd like to watch his grandson perform them on those who wronged the family. So without wait, they are kidnapping slutty bimbos who just happen to be walking down the sides of the lonely backwoods road, taking them home and cutting holes in their skulls. To fuck. Yes, to fuck. That's the whole joke of the title folks. A Header is to cut a hole in the top of someone's head and skull fuck their brain while they die.

Yes, this sounds really sick and twisted, and even the kind of material you could make a really underground disturbing movie out of. Instead, the movie takes the approach of an over-the-top hillbilly David Mammet, with the (bad) actors droning on and on, spewing forth terrible dialogue - all of which could be considered forced on a generous day. To their credit, they keep their backwoods accents intact for the most part. The film, however, is played as a broad comedy, inviting us to laugh at the absurdity of all of it, and that would be fine if there was a director behind the camera who had the gumption to make it work. But Header just piles each scene of ludicrousness on top of another scene of brain-numbing dialogue, until you literally hurt.

There is a Jim Thompson-styled Noir subplot about an ATF agent, gone rogue because his wife is sick and he needs money for her unnamed illness, who crosses paths with the head-fuckers. But the conclusion that this is going towards is sooooooo obvious that it becomes a moot point after about three minutes, especially after the wife starts spouting medical facts so incorrect everyone should know about.

The climax almost works as it gets a bit more intense and grim, but it comes out of left field, as if it's from a different movie altogether.

The presentation here is fine, especially considering this looks to have been shot on DV. But the movie itself is poorly shot and edited, with rather odd choices for sound work as well. Seems the under the line level of writing and directing continued right into the tech aspects of the film, too.

Sysnapse gives the film the special treatment with a whole host of extra features for those who want to dig in further. Personally, I didn't feel the need to bother with it. A let down for sure.