A Cinematic Thalidomide Baby

Day three of the Exploitation September challenge...

TEENAGE NURSES (1974)
D. Doug Collins (Constantine Zuba)/ Shaun Costello
Video X Pix
16mm Full Frame

This is among the weirdest movies I have ever seen, not only in the XXX field but in any genre. Thankfully SHAUN COSTELLO forwarded me an article he had written that gave me some history into the making of this monstrosity which shines a lot of light on the mind set that created it. But make no mistake there are no other movies quite like TEENAGE NURSES, it is a genre unto itself. And truly rewarding viewing for those who like to travel to the out most edges of cinematic weirdness.

The completely wrong-headed plot deals with the Bethesda Veterans Hospital during the waning years of the Vietnam war and the logical concerns of the craptastic entertainment for the suffering maimed soldiers there. A suitably insane Dr. Stein has brought in a group of horny Nurses to satisfy the needs of said patients. But he is also not happy about the USO shows that have been put on in the past so he has brought in a number of, well, frankly insane vaudeville styled acts for the pleasure of the suffering.

So between the bouts of up close and personal fucking we get jugglers, unicyclists, a snake charmer dressed in vinyl, a singing woman comedian, a lounge singer/ tap dancer and a ventriloquist comedian with a black dummy.  All of this book ended with a crack reporter in Groucho Marx glasses (played by Costello himself) giving us the rundown on the story, and screwing up his lines.  If you pay close attention you can spot HARRY REAMS, FRED LINCOLN and JAMIE GILLIS in blink and you miss them supporting roles. 

"Shaun Costello Himself as Groucho Marx"

Ultimately a through line plot finally emerges in the last reel about a soldier who has lost his leg in battle who feels he will not ever be whole again and one of the nurses tends to his sexual needs irregardless of his amputee status. Once again this character is played by Costello himself and the nurse is played by Laura Cannon who was in Shaun Costello’s classic FORCED ENTRY.  This last act sex scene is what makes the whole movie worthwhile as it actually manages to be quite touching, tender even amidst all the insane and moral chaos around it. While the movie at large is clearly a farce, designed to at once frustrate, or even thumb its nose at the audience to a degree (or maybe it is just a product drugs of the time period) this final scenes becomes even more effective because of it. Of course once the poor soldier is released and hit by a car it sort of negates the beauty of the scene preceding it...

"If the Republicans only knew this was part of the new Health Care Bill..."

The history of this involves director Doug Collins putting this together as a XXX comedy with lofty ambitions to involve musical numbers and the vaudeville bits. Naturally it did not sell. Years later after some legal trouble the movie was sold to Shaun Costello who shot more sex footage, the wrap around stuff and added some other things to make it more coherent and commercially viable to the adult crowd and unleashed it to the rain coat crowds. It only recently resurfaced on this dvd. 

 "Costello as the Amputee Soldier and Laura Cannon as Nurse Scarlett who tends to his needs in 

a surprisingly effective and tender scene."

Shaun Costello calls it his cinematic Thalidomide Baby. That about fits the bill as it is as twisted a porn film as you could imagine. It really doesn’t function as a porn film should as the sex scenes are edited and interrupted by the comedy and vaudeville acts. But the comedy doesn’t quite succeed because it is interrupted by the sloppy sex and blow job  close ups. The whole thing has a weird laugh track even though it is about Vietnam Veterans being hospitalized during the war giving it a bit of the same kind of feel the incest scene during NATURAL BORN KILLERS had (but twenty years earlier). But, and this is important, the movie is NEVER boring. there is always something weird and wacky going on. And the climactic sex scene is shot with a lot of care, and even some distance which shows that they were thinking about it at least a little bit. With the acting in that scene really selling it as well.

TEENAGE NURSES (which was originally called AN AMERICAN IN BETHESDA) is a bizarre curiosity item well worth checking out. The Video X Pix dvd looks about what you would expect for this kind of fly by night grab a stray print and dump it to dvd deal. Maybe one day a more impressive dvd will surface. 

Review © Andy Copp

At a time of War, it is time to get busy!

Slaves of the SS (1975) **
This double disc release from POP cinema’s After Hours imprint is most notable for starring “Victor Alexnader” aka Jerry Delony who most cult film fans will recognize as the Sheik in the classick Ilsa Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (who is NOT Spalding Gray who many, I included, have always claimed played the Sheik). Here he plays one Dr. Cockluv a doctor of the 3rd Reich who is doing sexual experiments on various nubile American and Jewish babes. The movie opens with him screwing some lab equipment in a very sparse lab decorated with flashing lights and cardboard computers. His assistant Franz interrupts him. Franz is played by a woman in glasses and an ill fitting fake mustache. He gives a speech about how he bent over Hitler himself thus the name Cockluv will be remembered! Soon they have captured three female American tourists(!) who will be worked over in the SS lab. But first we are treated to some Nazi sex in what looks like some unrelated super 8 loop that was cut into the film to spice it up since the movie had been on for almost twenty minutes without any hardcore action. Finally Cockluv has a blond American chick strapped down to his operating table and is going to test her threshold with a fuck machine made of some lawnmower motor and a dildo. This thing looks fucking dangerous as it moves slowly towards the camera pounding away, which is why it never actually penetrates the actress, who was probably pretty grateful for that small favor. Instead the Nazi guard goes for it and the sex is pretty hairy butt standard 70’s grinder stuff. The chick is from Texas so she makes funny comments and German music plays over their scene. The guard has the dirtiest feet in cinema history. When they are finished Dr. Cockluv tells Franz to keep an eye on the Texas chick because “Her sexual vibrations could destroy all of the 3rd Reich!” The next Sex scene is with a brown haired gar who has nice boobs and is pretty into it. The Doctor keeps watching through a kaleidoscope so most of the scene is shot through one! Later this same gal will have a lesbian scene with another gall and their double ended dildo action will look more like they are charming a snake than having any kind of sex. The camera keeps zooming in and losing focus too. As the movie reaches the hour mark it hits a climax. You can tell because newsreel footage of the Allies invading Germany has been cut in randomly. This newsreel footage is in way better shape print wise than the rest of the feature too. Then thanks to an added digital explosion the castle of Dr. Cockluv is blown up and the reign of terror is over. The end! A lot of work was clearly done to restore this movie as the 8mm loops were added, as well as the newsreel footage and slight digital work. It is a silly outing never to be taken seriously. You get the feeling the original filmmakers would have been just as at home making a softcore comedy than a hardcore flick. This new edition has been matted to 1.85 for widescreen TV’s and it is overmatted badly. Tops of heads are lopped off all the time along with occasional all important sex shots. There is even a joke where Franz puts the Doctor’s hand on her/his breast that is rendered incoherent because the breast in question is below the bottom matte. The DVD comes with a second feature called Woman of Vengeance which is reviewed below.

Woman of Vengeance (1977) **1/2- This west coast triple-Xer is the second feature in the Sex Slaves of the SS package from After Hours Cinema. While the print is worn to the point of almost being black and white, and is scratched to hell and back it only lends atmosphere to this sleazy little gem. Rick Lutz stars as a bike shop owner whose life sucks shit. His wife is a demonic shrew who just lays there waiting for it to end when they have sex, and criticizes him endlessly the rest of the time. What he doesn’t know is that his buddy/co-worker is banging her behind his back (and has her put on a ratty blond wig so he doesn’t feel so bad about it!). The wife and best pal plan to have old Rick rubbed out by a professional hitman so they can get a wad of insurance money and run off together. Things brighten up a bit when Ricky boy meets a bombshell in the bike shop, played by real life squeeze Rene Bond. Naturally they hit it off and he makes plans to hang out with her and her friends for a couple of days. Finally after almost a half hour into the movie there is some hardcore sex scenes as Bond’s friends start having the beast with two backs. But due to the condition of this ragged print it is unappetizing to say the least. Since all the color is drained from the print except red (which is what happens to prints that have not been stored correctly) When the gal is giving the dude head it looks like she is chewing off his cock! Yikes! Don’t even ask what it looks like when they start fucking. Rene and Rick start getting busy too as they realize they really, really dig each other, and this scene is rather smartly cross cut with a scene of the wife boning the friend. So its the cheating couples getting it on, cross cut together. Somebody making this movie was actually thinking. In fact that is what sets this movie apart. This is surprisingly well made, even though it clearly is shot for pennies, there is some style going on. Such as when the scenes are faded out using what looks to be actual grease pencil lines, but it adds a sort of hardboiled grit to the proceeding. A later scene has the hitman get off the phone with the wife, confirming where Lutz will be for the kill. She has been a particular bitch on the phone. The hitman is looking at Rick’s picture for confirmation of his target and says to himself “Man, why couldn’t it have been you who made the call first?” I won’t spoil the last third as it becomes more apt that the movie should have been called Man of Vengeance. As already stated the print is a wreck and it seems that some of the sound elements are missing too. Some sound effects seem to be absent here and there and at the 18 minute mark the hiss on the soundtrack becomes so loud you almost have to shut it off. Like Sex slaves of the SS this thing has been matted for widescreen TV’s and should not have been. This looks to have been shot on 16mm originally and this matting wrecks the frame continually shaving off chins, tops of heads, necks, and plenty of the sex (which in some cases is a blessing). This matting is a practice I really wish Pop Cinema/After Hours would stop doing. Its better to have the whole picture and have blank space on the sides of your TV, than lose important picture information so someone can fill up there expensive TV frame. Otherwise this is a solid little B movie hiding as the second feature of this set. But then what do I know, this whole generation watches whole movies on You Tube.

I can't find a clip for this set, so here is a clip of 42nd St. Pete explaining all about Grindhouses on 42nd street 9pick up Pete's AWESOME 8mm Stag collections from After Hours Cinemas)

Review © Andrew Copp