Analogue spookiness!

V/H/S/ (2012)
D. Adam Wingard, David Bruckner, Ti West, Glenn McQuaid, Joe Swanberg, Radio Silence

Magnolia Releasing
1.78

V/H/S/ is the hot ticket item on the horror circuit right now, with tons of advance buzz on how scary it is and how it has revitalized both the “found footage” sub-genre and anthology movies. Too bad neither statement is true. V/H/S/ works in fits and starts at best and at worst is horribly annoying and extremely hard to get through.

The idea is that eight up and coming directors all delivered a segment, which accounts for the disparity of quality. The wrap-around segment is directed by Adam Wingaurd who has done some quality work with A HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE. The story here sets the mood for why we are seeing the rest of the stories. A handful of petty criminals are out and about assaulting women and video taping it. But they discover that an old man has some specific tape that if they steal it could net them some cash. So they break into the old coot's house to discover him dead and a massive VHS tape collection they have to sift through. Spookiness abounds.

The first REAL story is called AMATEUR NIGHT and is directed by David Bruckner. Once again we are given lead characters who think that sexually abusing women is a fun night out. Here is is a group of college assholes who are partying and eventually bring some girls back to a hotel. The gyst is that they are video taping their escapades. Naturally one of the girls turns out to be more than she seems. Thankfully the monster design is really good and it goes a couple steps further than the rote premise originally suggests.

The next segment is directed by indie horror wunderkind Ti West who is most known for his quiet horror films HOUSE OF THE DEVIL and THE INNKEEPERS. Here he feels hampered by the found footage format. The piece is called SECOND HONEYMOON and follows a couple as they goof off traveling. The two only creepy moments the piece offered are things that have been done better by other filmmakers like NEIL MARSHALL and DAVID LYNCH. One scene has the couple at what appears to be the Grand Canyon and the dude momentarily vanishes over the edge. The other scene is someone grabbing their camera and video taping them while sleep, a moment done better in LOST HIGHWAY. But the final reveal is so lame and not scary that you want to throw something at the screen.

Next up is TUESDAY THE 17^th directed by Glen McQuaid and is the first glimpse that the film has something more to offer. It isn't great by any means but it at least a little more interesting and scary. The segment follows yet another croup of annoying college age idiots as they go on a camping trip. Naturally it turns out a killer whacked a bunch of people in the woods and the video camera they have brought along can see the killer. Albeit in glitchy, analogue feedback. The problem here is that the characters are unsympathetic and annoying, but the set up has a some spookiness to it and it is easily the most violent of all the segments.

Next is the best one of the bunch, directed by Joe Swanberg, he takes an interesting approach by having the entire segment shot through a computer's webcam as the characters videochat. The segment is called THE SICK THING THAT HAPPENED TO EMILY WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER and deals with how Emily is being haunted in her new apartment and her boyfriend bares witness to it as is escalates. The handling of the material is above average for this film, but what makes this segment really good is the writing. It does NOT go where you think it is going and therefore delivers some genuine tension and shocks.

Finally we have the last segment called 10/31/98 directed by Radio Silence. From the title you can gather the segment takes place on Halloween night as (yet another) group of college males are on their way to a party. But when they get there it turns out the house is abandoned except for a girl being sacrificed by some hooded figures. As they try to escape the house explodes with supernatural activity that is actually fairly frightening.

VHS Styled fan art for the film.

The last two segments are actually very good, and the third one is passable. The others are sub-par to just plain bad. When watching an anthology movie you expect one or two of the segments to be below average but this movie adds insult to injury by making it in the found footage format, so the flaws in content are highlighted by the eye straining videography and direction.

This is clearly a case of hype carrying the movie along. Worth a look for the last two segments, but it certainly is not as good as you have heard. 

Review © Andrew Copp

EXPLOITATION NATION THE SERIES EP 3

CritCon Figurehead has Passed on. R.I.P. Fred Adelman.

I logged onto Facebook today to startling news that unfortunately I had felt in my gut for a while now. Long time presence in the horror fandom community FRED ADELMAN had passed away from his long term fight with Leukemia. Fred had told me a few years ago in confidence he was suffering from the horrible disease.

I met Fred on the message boards of DVD Maniacs (Now AV Maniacs, which I unfortunately very seldom frequent like I used to)and his breadth of knowledge was apparent in any conversation. Perhaps every couple of days between that place and Facebook I have probably talked to him since capacity or another. He was an opinionated, surely son of a bitch. Make no mistake. If you crossed Adelman, he let you know right off the bat, and made sport in cutting down those who pissed him off. As he got progressively more sick, it became apparent that he was more and more angry as his time online became much more agitated. To put it mildly, he made a lot of enemies in the cyberworld in the last year or two through picking fights and never being afraid to stir the proverbial pot. But I never believed he was one out there doing it in malice, like so many people in fandom I have seen come and go. I think he was bored, sick and and always was highly opinionated about everything, especially things he cared about passionately. 

But lets not let Fred be remembered for the crazy spats he had in the last years of his life, though many will. Let's look long and hard at the legacy in the genre he left. And it is a hefty one. Fred Adelman was one of the first feet on the ground ZINE publishers, though all too often he is not mentioned along side the early and important names like Jack Stevenson or Bill Landis. His zine CRITICAL CONDITION (CritCon for short) was started in 1982 and ran till 1985 was one of the first to really talk about movies we hold dear now. He was going to the New Jersey and New york theaters and seeing the sleaze and trash first run and writing about it immediately. Then he was there for the VHS boom right as it hit reviewing these movies as they came out. Which is when he started collecting his now insane and famous library of VHS (at one time listing at over 7500 titles alone). He went back into zine publishing again in the late 80s and into the 90's but stopped once it became apparent that the magazine publishing world was awash in rip off artists and hucksters that never paid. But this eventually let to Fred being once again among the first to open a website devoted to exploitation film and Critical Condition online was born. The website is so much more than just Fred's reviews, it is library and resource of the VHS era in one handily place online. There are thousands of reviews of movies that are talked about no where else. Scans of artwork and admats no one else have, and most importantly his long time pet project the history of VHS distribution companies told through there box cover scans. 

Video Company VHS History 

Which is probably one of the most in depth web articles online anywhere about the history of home video in any form. The horror fandom owes a great debt of gratitude to Fred Adelman for his knowledge and his website. The VHS collecting community that has sprung up in the last few years definitely own him because he practically built that community himself through his website and what it has spread through the years. He is one of those "behind the scenes" dudes who deserved some recognition for his place in the machine. Fred kept the site up to date weekly right up until the end of 2011 with new scans and reviews. 

All the while continuing to auction off his rare collection on WENSY.COM to raise money for his medical bills. From what I gather he went into the hospital in very early January 2012 and passed away soon after (I do not have an exact date I am afraid). 

The internet is a weird place. I never met Fred Adelman face to face. But I talked to him almost daily in one form or another. I considered him a friend. We traded movies often, and when he decided to sell his rare ad mat collection I scrambled to find the money to buy it, but couldn't do it (it went to a good home I was assured). I feel like I knew him, but at the same time feel like I never knew him enough. My facebook has been too quiet for the last month, and I will miss the conversations I am not going to have with him gone.

Fred Adelman's groundbreaking Website
http://www.critcononline.com/

© Andy Copp 2012

Remembering the VHS days: MAJOR VIDEO

Seeing how people today watch movies is really weird and frustrating to me. I grew up so enamored with them that seeing people look at movies as such a disposable medium makes me really sad. Going to the movies was such an event in my childhood, such a really special thing, that I have that imprinted on my very DNA I think. I grew up in the era when VCR’s were introduced and it was something my family had to actually SAVE money to get. I am pretty sure we used tax return money or something as we got it at the beginning of the year 1985 and it was a game changer in our house hold. I suddenly didn’t have to wait for movies I loved to be on cable TV or the late show. Something that today’s generation have no concept of. I remember going with my Step-Father to Video Towne and getting our fist membership and begging the clerk for all the horror movies I wanted to see and more importantly my family to see. For some reason I really wanted everyone to see THE STUFF. I think because I saw it in the theater the fall before with a friend but my family did not. Being a newer release no one had it in, it was always rented.

I remember we rented AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON,  THE BEAST WITHIN and I believe TAXI DRIVER and borrowed from our neighbors I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (which I was not allowed to watch just yet). The game was ON people.

Going to the video store became a pilgrimage for me. I am sure I drove my parents fucking crazy as I would spend hours going through the racks looking for movies to rent. I was mesmerized by the boxes, just taking in the artwork and synopsis. Being a kid I was still drawn to the stuff I kind of knew from commercials or cable, so I made up weird mythology in my head. Those BIG BOX movies were somehow forbidden to me. Because they were garish and titles I didn’t know, I surmised they had to be STRONGER stuff or somehow DIRTY in someway and I stayed away from them. Naturally this made them more fascinating because of  that. It would be a number of years before I would get my balls our of the sling and rent one of them. But that was okay because there were hundreds of other movies to go through first. Often I would find one I liked and I would rent it over and over again. THE EVIL DEAD for example I kept taking back to the store and asking to rent right back out, doing so for three rental periods straight. CREEPERS aka PHENOMENA was another one I did that with. Mind you this was when I was a young teen and couldn’t drive yet, so my Mom was always nice enough to indulge my insanity, willing to take me not only TO the video store, but to return the tapes too. Knowing full well that once I got there, I was jut going to want to rent more of the damn things. But she almost never complained. Honestly, I am not sure how we did it because we were super poor. But somehow we found money to rent movies. I’m sure conservatives today would find a problem with that and say we shouldn’t been allowed to.

I was also lucky in that Dayton had a wealth of video stores that had lots of movies. Looking back on it now some of the crazy shit I was able to see is astounding. This whole blog today was triggered by a discussion I was having on Facebook were a friend and I were remembering a couple of old video stores. Those memories made me want to write a little more in detail about said stores. I could probably get a few blogs out of each store if I so choose, so lets see how it goes. The one we were talking about was a place called:

MAJOR VIDEO

Major Video was a chain store that was located in Huber Heights in a shopping center on Old Troy Pike and Chambersburg by a K-Mart that only recently went out of business (the K-Mart that is). As per usual Major Video was driven out of Business when Blockbuster built a brand new store in the fucking parking lot in front of Major Video. But the years they were open I found myself renting there quite often. I mistakenly posted on facebook that I rented there when I was 14, but that isn’t true. I think I started renting there when I was 15 and continued to do so until they closed when I was around 18 or 19 years old.

They were a very cool store that had a wide variety of the typical stuff any chain store would have. But the one thing that made them unique was they had a very large enclosed horror section. A giant room with two entrances that was always kept really dark and lit by can lights so you could see the boxes but not much else. In truth they probably did this so stuffy parents didn’t have to let their kids see all the scary and gruesome boxes of the movies they had. But it also functioned nicely as atmosphere, and made you feel like you were looking at something forbidden. The horror selection there was fantastic. They had all the Charles Band WIZARD VIDEO big box releases. I remember when they got that second wave of stuff they put out that included MUTANT HUNT, ROBOT HOLOCAUST and HEADLESS EYES.

I never actually rented them, because I was just convinced they were junk (I was actually a fairly snooty renter in my younger years. Now I have mad love for those movies) but I would just stare at the cover art for a long time as it was endlessly impressive.  But the movies only ever got one mention in Fangoria, which was my bible on the matters at the time and it was a brief mention in the article on the making of the movie BREEDERS (which they had too) so I passed on them. I did however take a chance and rent DARIO ARGNETO’S WORKD OF HORROR, a title that no other video store in Dayton EVER had. What a find that was! I watched that thing so many times it was insane. As was the routine at that point I ran a dub of it off and would watch it anytime I needed a little inspiration. I was well beyond the renting a title multiple times. My collection had begun and I would buy movies if I found them afford ably enough. Major Video also had the unrated STREET TRASH in the horror section, another one I took home and shared with my friends who had not gotten to see it with me theatrically.



I remember one title Major Video had that I was afraid to rent was COMBAT SHOCK. For all the gore movies I devoured at the time, I was still pretty uncomfortable with violence that had too much reality to it. I was very familiar with the movie thanks to DEEP RED magazine and Chas Balun’s and Steve Bissette’s praise of the film. But I was just certain that the real life milieu of the film was going to be too much for me so I always left it on the shelf. This was the unrated/uncut VHS of the film too, which is now VERY hard to come by.  But around this time I began to work with Jim VanBebber on what was to become THE MANSON FAMILY and we talked films all the time, and COMBAT SHOCK was one he talked up to me in a big way, along with HENRY PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER which he gave a copy of to me (and not coincidentally was the OTHER movie that at the time I was actually afraid to watch on the same grounds). So I got my nerve up and rented it and watched it one afternoon. I found the movie to be powerful, thought provoking and EXTREMELY disturbing. The low budget did make it a bit easier to watch, but it still gets under your skin. HENRY on the other hand is so real it is almost too much. Both films had a profound impact on me though and were my initiation into the more transgressive side of filmmaking. My baptism by fire into the abyss. I’ve never looked back since.

Major Video provided me with lighted moments too. I remember renting one of my first “dirty” videos there. I want to say it was one of those PRIVATE SCREENINGS late night European import Skinamax type movies. I was probably very taken by the cover which featured some beauty in white high heels and similar lingerie. The memory is fuzzy now, but I had to have driven there, or at least been driven there by a friend, so at worst I was 15 years old, probably 16. I distinctly remember taking it up to the counter with a couple other tapes. Probably horror movies knowing me. Hoping that they didn’t say anything about it. Never really thinking all they would do is tell me I couldn't rent it and put it back on the shelf. What would they have done? Call my parents? Call the police? Put my picture on a some pervert bulletin board? It’s not like I was showing my cock in the store or something. I had yet to actually work a video store so I didn’t realize that the clerks really just don’t give a shit.

A 15 year old kid sneaking skinamax movies is hardly a blip on the radar when there are people stealing movies and REAL perverts masturbating in the actual XXX back room. They never said a word to me and it went off without a hitch. I don’t even remember anything about the movie except that the woman on the cover was NOT in it, and it was BORING as all get it out. It wasn’t even funny like those Fairy Tale rip off movies you would see on late night TV sometimes. After that I made it a point to at least rent the PLAYBOY and PENTHOUSE stuff. I still thought it too risky to actually try to sneak into the porno room…

Major Video was also the ONLY place I have EVER seen a copy of Larry Buchanan’s documentary SEX AND THE ANIMALS complete with Animals about to get busy right on the cover. I always wondered who were the people who rented that tape? Did science teachers rent it to show to their classes? Was there some freaky sex cults that watched it for kicks? I just never understood the demographic for it, or the wherewithal it probably took to make the damn thing…

Like I previously mentioned Major Video was a hot bed of activity and did well until Blockbuster video literally grew out of the ground like a disease infested weed in front of their store almost over night. They last for a short time after that, but the competition killing practices that corporate giant used were too much and eventually they closed their doors. Sad thing is that Blockbuster lasted until very recently with the downturn finally making them go under too.

Major Video was a cool place. One of my favorites to rent at. But not my favorite, there were a couple of other places on the West Side of town that I adored. Perhaps I will write about CASTLE VIDEO or VIDEO NEWS in the near future…

Article © Andrew Copp

* After finding that PRIVATE SCREENINGS picture and realizing that is indeed the very video I rented that day, I now know I had rented a CUT version of a JESS FRANCO movie! The hilarity involved in that is not lost on me...

Feeling nostalgic for the VHS days of old? Look into THE BASEMENT!!!

How many of you big time fans out there still have love for the analogue goodness that is VHS? I know a lot of you do. Lots of you still scour the flea markets and bargain thrift shops looking for discount tapes of those wonderful shot on tape atrocities from the 80's that were labors of love for those creators. Well those crazies are ALTERNATIVE CINEMA heard your cries and are putting out a box set JUST FOR YOUR CRAZY LUNATICS! Check this out a VHS/DVD combo from THE BASEMENT....

THEY’RE WAITING FOR YOU…

THE BASEMENT

Camp Retro ‘80s

“Big Box” VHS / DVD 5-Film Collection

Available Sept. 13, 2011

New York, NY – Camp Motion Pictures, the home entertainment company specializing in 80’s and 80’s-style DIY cinema, unleashes a terrifyingly cool micro-budget cinema collection of five feature films in an exclusive VHS Collector’s Package that Joe Ziemba of BleedingSkull.com calls “A brain-baking vortex of D.I.Y. gore, suburban angst, and trash-gore exuberance!”   

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Eye-catching authentically ‘80s VHS poster illustration by noted graphic artist Vince Evans and “Big Box” design contains the never-before-released 1989 feature, The Basement, on VHS and DVD along with SOV cult cinema favorites Video Violence 1&2, Captives, and Cannibal Campout on DVD .    

About The Basement

The Basement is the lost 1989 Super 8 anthology feature film directed by Timothy O’Rawe (Ghoul School ). Restored by director of photography Michael Raso in 2010,The Basement is a shining example of 80’s DIY cinema inspired by Amicus Films’ Tales from the Crypt and features elaborate special make-up and creature effects by Scott Hart.   

The Basement Synopsis.

Four strangers are summoned to the basement of an abandoned house by a mysterious entity known only as The Sentinel.  One after another, they are forced to witness heinous deeds they have yet to commit – and which will damn them for all eternity.

Swimming Pool – An unfaithful woman disposes of the evidence with a little help from a demonic water spirit.

Trick or Treat – Classic monsters exact revenge on a bitter man who refuses to honor Halloween.

Zombie Movie – Cocaine, hookers and reanimated corpses wreak havoc on the set of an independent film.

Home Sweet Home – A young man questions his sanity after purchasing a house where torture and mass murder were committed 6 years before. 

About Captives

Referred to as “the most accomplished SOV horror film from this era”*, Captives, the sophomore effort of director Gary Cohen (Video Violence 1&2), is now available for the first time in this director-approved version.    *Bleedingskull.com

Captives Synopsis  

Taken hostage by three violently deranged criminals, a woman fights back to save her baby and mother-in-law’s lives in this gritty and suspenseful crime drama from Gary Cohen (Video Violence 1&2)

Video Violence Synopsis

In this gore-soaked cult classic, a young couple opens a video store in a small town populated by violence-addicted amateur filmmakers, lead by the demented Howard and Eli.   

Video Violence 2 Synopsis

The sequel to Video Violence finds Howard and Eli pirating a cable TV channel for the purpose of furthering their brand of homegrown depravity, madness and murder.

Cannibal Campout Synopsis

Deranged orphans torture, mutilate and murder innocent campers in this DIY classic from Jon McBride. 

Plus you get all these insane SPECIAL FEATURES!

Frighteningly Enjoyable Bonus Features

The Basement Camp Retro ‘80s “Big Box” VHS / DVD Collection is loaded with new commentaries and spine-chilling extras including:

• The Basement Commentary
• Captives Commentary
• Video Violence Commentary
• Video Violence 2 Commentary
• Cannibal Campout Commentary
• The Basement Outtakes
• The Basement New Segment
• Short film: Vengeance
• Short film: Say No To Drugs
• Meadowlands Showcase Segment: Halloween Take Over
• Meadowlands Showcase Segment:  The Long Road to Karaoke
• Meadowlands Showcase Segment: Long is the Night
• Interview with director Gary Cohen

Technical Information The Basement 5-Film VHS and DVD Collection  

·        New, functional VHS and DVD copy The Basement

·        DVD The Basement

·        DVD Captives and Cannibal Campout

·        DVD Video Violence and Video Violence 2

·        Street Date: August 16, 2011

·        Copyright: 2011 Camp Motion Pictures , all rights reserved

·        Price:  $34.98

·        UPC: 612385007996

·        Total Run Time Collection:

·        Format:  VHS and Dual Layer DVD

·        Aspect Ratio:

·        Rating: Not Rated

·        English language, Stereo 2.0

Get your copy at Alternative Cinema

Humping trash could give you an infection...

Day twenty of the September Exploitation Challenge (yes I have fallen WAY behind) is when I took out the trash...

TRASH HUMPERS (2010)
D. Harmony Korine
Alcove Entertainment
Shot on VHS!!!

I will freely admit I went into this wanting to hate it. Figuring I would hate it. The trailer doesn’t try to sell it for anything it is not. The movie is basically just Harmony Korine and a couple of other people dressed in cheap joke store old people mask, running around acting stupid and literally humping trash cans. To make matters worse it is shot on old school sub-standard VHS equipment, edited between two VCR’s (the play, pause and rewind on screen displays have as much screen time as some of the characters) complete with tape drop out and fucked up color balance. The whole thing is designed to look cheap, immature, and like it was done by people with no skills or talent. I suppose the argument here is that the movie is designed to be “anti-art” or “anti-filmmaking” since Korine was part of Lars Von-Trier’s whole DOGMA 95 deal back in the day, and Korine’s best film came out of his time working within those constraints (I am immensely fond of JULIAN DONKEY BOY, but generally detest the dude’s other work).  So maybe that is his point. Or maybe he was just screwing around. Who knows. 

 "One critic called this JACKASS for the Psuedo-intellectual set. I can see that being accurate."

Which ever, he managed what would have been completely impossible had any other person made this exact same movie. He got it released, put into major festivals, it played art house theaters and now is seeing the light of day not only on DVD but in some rather cool special edition packaging.  Had any other underground filmmaker made this exact same movie they would have been laughed out of town, called an idiot, and had their equipment smashed. Their career would be effectively over. But oddly enough Korine has seen some of the better reviews he has gotten in a long time. Which I think goes to show that a cult of personality can certainly get you a long long way in ths business. 

 "Trash collection for the 21st century."

But what is most important is the actual work itself. Irregardless of my wanting to hate it because of everything I state above, I actually did not. TRASH HUMPERS is far from a good movie, hell you almost cannot even call it a movie, but there is a certain quality about it that becomes mesmerizing after a while. While most of it is inane, stupid, puerile and without a purpose, once in a while there are images that stumble across the screen to grab hold of the mind’s eye and stay there. Sometimes those will be humorous such as the little bespectacled kid in the three piece suite explaining the proper way to bash a baby doll's head in. Sometimes it is just a flash of beautiful scenery or landscape. By the half hour mark I found myself wondering if Korine knew, or even cared what he was putting on screen at all, or if this was just complete randomness. Then suddenly there is a jarring shot of a nude dead body, laying in a field, just like a piece of trash the movie has been obsessing over. This feels like the filmmakers just found this dead man and shot it for the movie (though clearly they did not). At this point I became aware that the cameraman is supposed to be a character in the movie too as he is singing a little nursery rhyme about “three little devils who jumped over a wall” as he surveys this corpse. The moment is supremely haunting. Maybe because so much of the half hour leading up was so deadening, I don’t know? But it got my attention. From this point on a tiniest thread of a plot had started to emerge in which the four characters we have been watching fuck around, break shit and hump trash are also traveling around killing people. There seems to be an obsession with baby dolls going on throughout the proceedings (one of the “characters” is female it is important to note) which eventually ties in to a haunting and surprisingly, in its own twisted way, tender finale. 

 "I think she was one of my high school teachers."

The movie is still more of an art piece/ endurance test than an actual film, but in the second half it at least starts to resemble a narrative. With more of the startling and haunting moments seeming to be on purpose as opposed to things that just happened to be in front of the camera at the right time.

TRASH HUMPERS might be best described as a movie to watch once. It might be fun to see in an art theater with a crowd though. To see who it pisses off and who over pontificates it to the point of great art. Because at the end of the day I still get the feeling Harmony Korine is having a laugh at the art scene that has embraced him as much as he was just tooling around fucking off while making the movie. But to my shock and surprise his end product has something there to offer when I seriously thought it would not at all. 

Review © Andy Copp

Who wants some REVENGE!!!!!

HOW TO GET REVENGE (1989)
D. Bob Logan
?????
S.O.V.

Really rare straight to video "how to" tape hosted by a perky (and way too clothed) Linda Blair on how to get revenge on those who have wronged you in some way shape or form. For "entertainment purposes only" of course! So Linda, dressed like she is going to a Sunday school picnic, hosts this discussion video on how to stick it to your enemies. Or even family members who have fucked you over royally along with several "special guests" who claim to be private investigators, cops, and other specialists in the game of getting even. They all seem to be out of work, welfare line actors reading off of cue cards giving you advice that could land your sorry ass in jail if you are not careful. But some of the tricks they impart are indeed vicious enough to be amusing. As long as you understand that trying to actually pull some of this shit off also includes things like felony charges if you get caught. A little detail they completely forget to mention throughout the video.

Okay, so not a damn one of the following Linda Blair photos are going to have anything to do with the video being reviewed. I am sure this will make you very sad.

The show separated into sections involving types of revenge like using the phone, getting even using the mark's car, or what you can do if you can get into their house! Yes you read that last part right. This video actually suggests you try a little breaking and entering for some hilarious laughs to get even with the person who screwed you over! But first things first, it starts with the little things like ordering multiple pizzas or take out foods and sending them to the enemies home. The Private investigator suggests you go to a hotel and steal some stationary and write a note explaining that on a certain date the mark checked in with his "wife" and she left a shoe there and they are sending it back, expecting to be reimbursed for the postage. Then actually mail with the note a sexy high heeled shoe you have bought from a Goodwill store. The trick is to make sure you have specified an evening you know the mark was not at home and address the package to his wife so she reads it. Viola! You've ended his marriage because she thinks he is cheating on her! Linda Blair gets a big kick out of how that has ruined some poor schmuck's life!

Why was there never a Linda Blair Workout Video? that was the rage in the 80's and even Traci lords did one! I certainly would have watched it!

We also get a couple of re-enactments. We meet some super dorky schmo who had a dickhead assault him in a restaurant because he wanted the window seat. Dumping the nerd's food in his lap. So this guy went to our revenge smart Private Investigator to learn how to get even. They set it up so the asshat first gets fifteen different take out places coming to his home with food he didn't order at once. Then during that confusion they plant a realistic toy gun in his beat up pick up truck (who would have guessed he was a good ol boy? But then shouldn't he have already had a gun in there?) and then called the cops reporting that he was seen near the site of a bank robbery that happened earlier that day and he had a gun in his truck! So he was arrested and taken in by the fuzz! Naturally he was let go when it was seen to be all a mistake but the embarrassment and hassle made it all okay for our hero.

If the creators of the "How To Get Revenge" video had any brains at all they would have had Linda wear this outfit for the shoot instead.

Another gal goes to the P.I. because her jerk off college jock boyfriend was cheating on her with a cheerleader. The P.I. was so touched by her sob story (because she looked just like his daughter! Her big titties had NOTHING to do with it!) that they schemed up a dirty little plan that carried over to ruining this bitch's life. Not only at this college but for several others too. Our gal went to the free clinic to get checked out and stole a whole pad of stationary. She used it to write up a summary explaining that the cheerleader girl had sexual relations with basically the whole football team. Problem being that she had many sexually transmitted diseases including syphilis and that it was their duty as the sexual disease center to alert the college health department so they could alert her former partners. Within a week she was a pariah at the school and everyone thought she was a disease carrying whore. she dropped out of school and went to another school and this girl sent the same letter, just with names changed, to that school too. Thus ruining her life there too! Just because this gal fucked her man. Oh yeah, she made sure her man was left out of the revenge, cause it wasn't his fault!!! Once again Linda Blair laughs in stunned shock and awe at the appropriateness of the lives laid bare.

The rest of the show is just instructions on how to do certain gags. Most of them simple like calling in instructions to get people fired from jobs, or make their spouses think they are cheating on them. Most of these are irrelevant now because of caller I.D. and star 69 technologies. But back in the day they were hot stuff. There is some fun stuff about screwing with people's mail, also HIGHLY illegal, that includes putting them on all kinds of mailing lists so they are inundated with junk mail. Putting them on porno lists so they get all kinds of nasty porn they will be embarrassed by or fuck up their marriage. Or the best, put ads in porno mags, especially gay ones, with their pictures. The most brutal revenge schemes in here at the ones dealing with fucking up peoples cars. These are all pretty legit and would work, and are not surprisingly, very illegal. They range from letting the air out of all four tires to putting sugar and sand in the fuel tank and radiator. The most fun one was to put cooking oil in the windshield wiper fluid tank and replacing the fuel cap with a locking one so when they go to get gas they can't get into it anymore. Then there is the old stuffing a potato into the exhaust pipe so it backfires. But wouldn't that cause carbon monoxide to build up inside the car and potentially kill the person inside if they sat there long enough?

Finally there is the section on messing with the mark's home. This is felony business here folks, but they show you anyway. This goes from putting a water hose in the mail slot, glue in the locks to putting fish eggs in the air conditioner unit so their house stinks up. Then the dummies suggest if you can "get inside the house" that you turn up their thermostat all the way and glue it in place so when they get home their house is like an oven. Or maybe it is on fire! Did you idiots think of that? Or get into their refrigerator and stuff it full of their dirty laundry. Or put all their expensive china in the dishwasher and put a pouch of black dye in there and turn it on! "Use your imagination folks" is the command of the day? Well, you'll have to use your imagination when you are fending off the gigantic, horny, felons intent on throat raping you after you've been sent to prison for trying some of this shit. I guarantee Linda Blair will not be there via satellite cracking jokes and thinking its funny. Well then again she's not working much these days, so maybe she will...

Jesus, god this is a wrong headed mess of a video. While it is amusing and some of the stuff funny I cannot believe it was floating around out there for legit sale. This is the kind of thing you would have seen for sale in the Lampoonics catalogue or in the underground, traded amongst militant survivalist groups. Sorta like the home made James Bond booklets that explained to you how to kill people in their sleep with tennis balls and playing cards. Something that passed hands secretly and in the stealth of night, not at the local Major video or Blockbusters and hosted by an on the decline starlet looking for cash.

I mentioned before that these photos of Linda Blair had nothing to do with the video being reviewed right?

Speaking of Linda Blair hosting this, if you spent the money to get her to do this gig, at least you could have gotten her to show some cleavage for fucks sake! Having her dressed like a school marm from LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE was a terrible idea and a waste of her best assets. Linda was at her healthiest peak in 1989 and lets face it, the material she was given was doing her no favors in the acting department. So all she had to work with was looking foxy, and the costuming dept fell down on that job. Though to be fair she seems to be enjoying the malicious, mean spirited, nature of the whole gig, laughing and guffawing at the low down, dirty tricks on display. So when she is mean to you at a convention next time you see her, don't let her know were your car is parked. She might have some shit planned for your ass.

There were no clips of this on you tube (big surprise) so here is a pretty terrible interview from the early eighties (posted by J4tH.com who you should pay a visit to if you get the chance by the way).



And here she is walking on BROKEN GLASS (oh NOES!!!) on the no sadly defunct CIRCUS OF THE NETWORK STARS on CBS circa the early 80's ENJOY!


Reviews © Andy Copp